Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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