I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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