I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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