i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
