we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Boobs are out for the taking
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
