Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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