I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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