i was born a porn star she said
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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