And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
