My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
