genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
