apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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