I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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