Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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