Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
