I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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