oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
