I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
whose parrot is this?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
