How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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