When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
