One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
