I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
