woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
