hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
