if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
