dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
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We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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