first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
