smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
