He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
