how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
