I wish my penis had an off switch
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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