I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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