My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
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Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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