I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
