I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
