Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
