1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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