I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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