I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
