I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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