Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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