I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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