I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
