A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
