i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
