Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
