i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
