yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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