Soap is not a condiment
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
