the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
