She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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