not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
