Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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