Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
