Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
