Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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