I like to think it a success when the cops are called
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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