I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.